Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Sunday, January 8, 2012
redneck jokes
You’re a redneck if your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years
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You’re a redneck if your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
You’re a redneck if you keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
You’re a redneck if you take family portraits by running red lights.
You’re a redneck if your fire alarm is a Jiffy Pop popping pan hanging from the ceiling.
You’re a redneck if you take a six-pack cooler to church.
You’re a redneck if your family tree has no forks.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Redneck
Redneck
Congratulations, you are officially a Redneck! Pull up a lawn chair on the astro turf outside your trailer, pop open a nice cold, refreshing Keystone Lite, and groom the mullet, because you're in for the long haul.
Redneck Medical Terms
- A pubic hair is a type of wild rabbit.
- Asphalt describes rectal problems.
- A condom is a large apartment.
- Douche is the French word for "twelve.
- Genitals are people of non-Jewish descent.
- A diaphragm is a drawing in Geometry.
- Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
- An erection is when Japanese people vote.
- A dildo is a variety of the sweet pickle.
- An umbilical chord is part of a parachute.
- Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
- A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
- The clitoris is a type of flower.
- Testacles are found on an octopus.
- Kotex is a radio station in Cincinatti.
- Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
Redneck Astrological Signs
Okra December 22 - January 20
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.
Chitlin January 21 - February 19
Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.
Boll Weevil February 20 - March 20
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.
Moon Pie March 21 - April 20
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. "Big" and "round" are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.
Possum April 21 - May 21
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't-bother-me-about-it" attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your problems actually running you over.
Crawfish May 22 - June 21
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically.
Collards June 22 - July 23
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essences of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.
Catfish July 24 - August 23
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one exception: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
Grits August 24 - September 23
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.
Boiled Peanuts September 24 - October 23
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.
Butter Bean October 24 - November 22
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.
Armadillo November 23 - December 21
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you?Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another mating possibility.
Redneck Wedding Gifts
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A redneck-themed wedding is an entertaining choice for a second wedding.
A "redneck" theme can be a humorous idea for a casual wedding and provides down-home fun and a lighthearted take on a new life for the bride and groom. Continue the redneck theme in your wedding gift to be part of the special event. Whether the gift has some practical application or is purely for laughs, the happy couple will appreciate you contributing to the redneck memories.
Redneck Cookbooks
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Redneck cookbooks are entertaining and practical.
Redneck cookbooks mix down-home stories, unusual meats and great cooking advice to redneck newlyweds. With selections like "The Redneck Grill Cookbook" by Jeff Foxworthy or "The Redneck Cookbook: 165 Mighty Fine Fixin's and Other Things to Get Down Your Gullet" by Lo'retta Love, you can set the bridal couple up for years of good eatin'. Kick the redneck up a notch by adding a road-kill cookbook specific to the state you live in, like Iowa's Road Kill Cookbook (Roadkill Cookbooks) by Bruce Carlson to keep future guests guessing what's on the grill
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Add some nicer, practical cooking items as well, such as a barbecue utensil set or a set of versatile measuring cups.
Truck Accessories
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A redneck's truck is a source of pride.
Consider the maintenance and presentation of the requisite redneck vehicle, the truck, when purchasing your redneck wedding gift. Put together a gift basket that includes mud flaps with Yosemite Sam or a Confederate flag on them, some pine-scented car deodorants, and plenty of chrome and car polish. Add some redneck-themed bumper stickers or chip in with other guests to provide an "off-road" kit installation so that the new couple can start the marriage a few feet higher than everyone else.
For the Kitchen
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Mason jars can be bought new or used.
Help set up the newlywed's home with kitchen supplies fit for a redneck. Wrap up a set of Mason jars for drinking and some vintage brown ceramic jugs to hold flowers or drinks in. Create "sets" of nonmatching dishware for a true redneck table setting or provide heavy-duty plastic plates, cups, forks and spoons so they can entertain safely.
Add some truly useful items that have a redneck theme, such as barbecue sauces, rubs and relishes. Include a gift certificate for some Omaha Steaks, and your gift is complete.
Redneck Entertainment
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A movie night is a great way to relax after a busy wedding weekend.
Keep the party going by providing some after-wedding entertainment the new couple may appreciate. Put together a gift basket filled with DVD movies like "Deliverance" or a box set of vintage "Dukes of Hazzard" shows. You can also consider the "Smokey and the Bandit" series, "Walking Tall" and "The Cannonball Run." Add some beer, cigarettes and pork rinds to fill the basket.
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Red Neck Wedding Vows II
Sample
2 Redneck
Wedding Vows
My dearest Prudence, I am so glad to be here by your side today maken you my little love muffin for life.
When I knelt down in frount of you asken you to be my bride, with your daddy standing over us with a shot gun cause you was late, I knew you'd make a good wife.
People said we'd never make it cause we was cousins and all, and our parents were married, but after their devorce I knew it was OK for me to chase your skirt. I was so happy when you let me get under that skirt too.
Yes Prudence, we have 3 great youngens, I can't belive people said our babies would have 9 heads cause we was related and all. I just want to tell them doubten folk that you can marry and have babies with your half sister cousin and they won't have no 9 heads cause we are liven proof of that. Cause once the doctors seperated the simese twins and removed little Elmer Jr.'s third arm and what appeared to be a tail, our children turned out just fine.
So Prudence thank you for becommen my bride today. You look so beautiful in your plaid overhalls with the stretch panel on the front.
I can't wait to get you home and once I greases the pan of me truck to get you out, I looks forward to maken some sweet loven to you my precious.
Your loven husband Elmer Fudge.
Redneck Wedding Vows
To recite redneck wedding vows willfully and with gusto the mood must be set before time. Guests with beer cans, cigarettes, missing teeth, coon dogs, guns and wearing lots of camouflage is a must. In fact, if both the bride and groom are wearing camouflage this is a bonus.
As the bride walks down the isle, marching to Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Free Bird" or "Sweet Home Alabama," and a cardboard cutout of Jeff Foxworthy in the front row, the guests will be spitting their tobacco left and right. This is perfectly acceptable redneck etiquette.
Now, if you happen to be wondering just what redneck wedding vows are, here are few samples:
- I, Zeke, take you Wanda, to be my wife, to so that you clean up my beer cans and wipe the foam off my mouth when I've had too much to drink. Be good to my dog, and we'll get along just fine.
- With this beer tab, I thee wed. Don't nag me or take the guns from my gun rack without asking. In the Lord's name, Amen.
- I take you to be my cherished partner, to go with me to all NASCAR races and to stay home and rear our batch of toothless and shoeless children. I promise to protect you using lethal force if necessary and if I'm not too drunk.
- As the Lord and friends today are my witness, I promise to be good to you and your gabby friends, not make you do too much housework and come back every several days even when I'm out hunting.
- To my kissing cousin, I thee wed, I promise not to give you the gene that will cause a bunch of high forehead children. I also promise not to get drunk on Thursdays and to bring home a possum and a coon every once in a while for dinner.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Get'er Done Recipes For the little lady
Ingredients:
1 Still breathing, corn-fed Possum
3 Ripe but firm tomatoes
1 Large white or yellow onion
1/2 pound large mushrooms
2 large green peppers
1 package meat marinade
1/2 cup soy sauce
12 skewers (sticks are okay in Arkansas)
Preparation:
The possum must be alive so that you can scare it, giving you the "wild" taste from all the adrenaline it produces. It is best to hit it over the head with a large object in a humane manner. Boil the possum for 3 minutes to loosen the fur then skin and gut it.
De-limb (chop the little knubby legs off) the possum and cut the meat into 1/2 inch square chunks. Marinate overnight in a mixture of meat marinade and soy sauce. Kentucky residents who have no fridge can use an ice chest and may use radiator coolant instead of soy sauce.
Thread the meat and veggies onto your skewer/stick in alternating sequences to distribute the delicious flavor evenly. Cook over a barbecue, pit, 50 gallon drum or any other fire till you get the desired result. For added flavor, you can cook it over burning tires.
Redneck Dating Tips
NEVER date a girl who has a truck that's bigger than yours.
Never share a beer with a girl - you don't know if she will backwash.
Swapping gum with a girl is cute - But sharing chaw should be against the law.
Taking your mama's Taurus to prom is better than the 86 Ranger with your gun hanging in the back window.
Taking a girl on the first date to Bass Pro Shops is perfectly acceptable.
Buying your girlfriend deodorant for Christmas is acceptable..
Keeping a beer bottle top from the first date is a sign of a good red neck girl.
Swapping spit is the same as kissing.
Farting is considered insect repellant on a romantic picnic.
A perfect match - Your girlfriend chews the same kind tobacco.
Carhart clothing is dressing up - for both.
A romantic date consists of Fried Chicken, Mashed Taters and Gravy, Green beans, corn bread and sweet tea.
Shaving for the first date is optional - for both male and female.
Slopping the pigs together is bonding time.
If your girl will scratch your back on the first date — she's a keeper.
You know it's a match made in heaven when you both scratch the same places.
If your new girlfriend knows more about NASCAR Racing than you - she's the girl for you.
If your new girlfriend has a camo and a confederate flag bikini - she's the girl for you.
You know she's the girl for you when she wants to spend a romantic afternoon sighting in Deer rifles.
You know your date is serious when you pull up to her singlewide trailer and she comes out in Camouflage clothes.
For dessert she asks for a moon pie and RC Cola.
Couples massage is romantic - But true love is a couples back waxing.
You know a Redneck Boy is serious when he gives a box of chocolates to a girl and all the candy is still in the box.
You know a Redneck Boy is serious when Bruiser, the pit bull dog, has had a bath and will let the girl sit next to the boy in the middle of the seat of Pick-up truck.
Never date a girl who has the following bigger than yours:
Bass Boat
Motor Home
Gun
4-Wheeler - ATV
Shoe-Size
Size does matter!
A perfect Red Neck Girl will have Craftsman Tools in her Tool Box.
The Nextel NASCAR Championship Chase is our Super bowl. Do not schedule anything for the last day of racing.
A perfect Redneck Couple believes that the perfect place to propose is a tree stand.
Never schedule any dates on opening day of deer season (OR turkey season either).
Another perfect Redneck date: Bubba fishing in a tournament while Darlene lays out in the sun in her Confederate Thong Bikini on the front of boat. This would be considered Redneck Utopia.
Women to avoid at all costs:
Women with all of their teeth...If she is spending that much time in the bathroom, where are you supposed to read the paper?
Women with false teeth. Yeah buddy, who is having to pay for that?
Women who don't know who their babies fathers are. You want to make sure her barn rats are at their "daddy's" at least half of the time.
Women who think a single wide is too small. If she was raised right she would know that most of the stuff goes out on the porch anyway.
Women who don't understand that the dog's place was in the middle of the front seat before her and will still be sitting there when she is gone.
Women who are strippers. She will only want to put on a show and will never follow through.
Women who have Mullet Hair Styles: She'll be stealing your hair gel.
Women you want:
You know she's a prospect if - She has any of the following stickers in her window:
#3 Dale Earnhardt
#8 Dale Jr.
Bass Pro Shop
Cabala's
Muzzy Bad to the Bone Broadheads
Federal Ammunition
Goodyear Racing
Hoosier Tires
Elderbrock Intakes
Rapala Lures
Harley Davidson
Bob's Bait Shop
